I still wish I was a pirate...

I'm tired. I'm still way in debt, and things keep piling up. The boys in blue keep mailing me photos of my car and thinking I should somehow pay them for this wonderful service. I just think that's so nice of them. (grin) Those are $167 a pop, but $50 more if paid late. Oh joy. And I have this old deisel car I bought as a project to convert to run on veggie oil, which I still want to do, but it broke down in Oct. I went out and got a new car and never had money to fix the old one so it sat on the street. To be on the street it needed insurance, so that has been paid. But not wanting to keep insuring it, I wanted to get it fixed so I could get it to someones place to park it for the winter. But not able to get it running, I didn't want to pay extra to get it towed to someones house and then later have it towed again to get it out. That seemed silly and expensive. So I had it towed to a shop finally a couple weeks ago. The guy tried hard but the cars needs were over his head so I again had it towed elsewhere. It is now sitting in a shop outside town (after a $70 tow bill) and they say it has absolutely no compression. That's bad for any engine, but especially a deisel, which runs on compression rather than spark like a gas engine does. Probably a split piston, they said though it could be completely blown rings or severly gouged cylinder liners. Either way, there is no option but to remove the head, and further inspect the engine. This will be at least $300 -$400, though there's little chance I will get away with any less than a totally rebuilt engine, which, short of a miracle, will cost far more. Oh joy, more bills. Not that I have much choice, really, the car is a classic Mercedes Benz in great cond (body anyways) which I got for next to nothing on ebay last summer. I think it's worth $8,000-$10,000 perhaps if It was running well (which it did before) but with a completely toasted engine that won't start, it's worth next to nothing. Maybe scrap value plus a bit. So I have to fix it. How I'll pay for it I really have no idea, as my credit is maxed and paycheques seem to always get gobbled up by the trolls that live in my bank account. I wish that was a joke. Anyways, yes, I accept the fact that I am way in debt. I am fully aware of that, but I keep asking "Is this how it is supposed to be? Are we not supposed to be in the world, yet not of the world?". Then why is the world choking me to death? I accept responsibility, because yes, I drove the car too fast and got the tickets. Yes, I bought the old car, and I know old cars can break down. But every time I try to get ahead, 4 things seem to jump out at me dragging me further behind. I don't want to live life like this. I don't want to be in debt. I buy things because I either need them, think I need them, or just want them. The want things are mostly just food, coffee and the occasional movie or something. The old car I bought so I could convert it to veggie oil, and have a really cool car that costs next to nothing to run. The new car I bought because the old one broke down and I need a reliable car for work. Actually I had bought an old toyota for $300 and fixed a few things on it including some windows, but before I could get it safetied to drive it some lovely neighborly* individual (*not the term I used at the time, that term cannot be repeated without my needing to repent) decided I obviously needed a bigger project to work on and proceeded to help me by smashing nearly every window out of the car, and even opening the door to smash the inside of the door panel off, all with a few giant grantite blocks of rubble. To say I wanted to hurt the individual would be an understatement. Anyways at that point, I fugured stuff this... Stuff this car, stuff this city, stuff everything, I no longer cared about debt or whatever and went out and bought a 2006 car with an alarm. I would have preffered a car with explosive countermeasures, but apparently they don't make them that way. So I settled for a Hyundai. Good car though. Now I question the wisdom of that, but it's going to be sort of hard to undo now. So now I have two cars (I gave the Toyota to a friend's school which has an automotive program) And I've been wanting to get a house because I am really way past being sick of the insanity of living in a church with a bunch of other people and no way to escape everything here, but the bank doesn't want to give me a mortgage when I'm so in debt with the car loan and my credit being maxed. So I find myself with my life so full of junk, mostly junk I don't even want, it has just been deemed necesary to carry on my life here, that I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to live like this. I hate living like this. I really don't want a house, or cars, or a job. I want to run away... I want to live on a sailboat with my wife and kids, and just spend three or four years cruising around the South Pacific, basking in the sun, swimming, fishing. But I don't have a sailboat, a wife or kids. Aaarrrggghhh!!!! I still wish I was a pirate. Jacob