I wish I was a pirate...

Meanderings of the mind... Yesterday I wrote an email to one of my very best friends. This post is based what I said in part of my email... I have been very torn lately. Such a big part of me wants to just not be here most of the time. There's so many things I'm longing for, a family being I suppose one of the biggest. There's a girl I know here who I know I really like, and I think she's on the same page but I just... I guess I'm afraid. There's so many questions I keep asking. I know I'm afraid. Hurt enough that I just don't want to go there, but then there she is again... Arrrggghhh!!! I wonder to myself, do I think I'm falling in love? I don't know. What even is love? Do I even want it? For a long time I've been trying to convince myself that that's there's no such thing... That it's just a crutch for lonely fools who can't face life on their own. In a lot of ways I'd like to believe this. It seems so much easier. I guess because every time I've ever thought I loved someone (like in a romantic way) It's ended up in me being crushed. I will not deny that in many ways it has been my fault. I have certainly foolishly stumbled into things that I should have had more wisdom about. But really... And I do mean this... much of the pain I have ever faced has come from the idea of me thinking I was in love with someone, and again and again having the whole thing pulled out from under me. I have so many times declared to myself and to God "I hate love!!!" Sad, and foolish. I sound like Grumpy Smurf. For a long period now I really haven't let myself too close to the idea of really being in love. Sure I've pondered it, I've tossed it up and thrown it down. I've considered it. I've recognised that I do believe I could be single and happy all my life. But is this the best? Is this God's will for me? It seems and feels like accepting defeat. If it is defeat, I want nothing to do with it. "But God, where are YOU in all this? What is your will?" He seems to be saying "just wait..." Alas, I don't know... I wish I was a pirate... Jacob