Canada or Bust

Just to let you all know what's up I will be back in Winnipeg at the end of this week then 100 Mile House B.C. for Christmas... This was a fairly quick decision but one I'm happy with. After that I do plan to return to Friendships again. There is no shortage of work here. Believe me. So having said that I would like to ask for prayer as it will mean a lot of driving. And to be honest my car's not the newest model around! Thanks. Jacob

He is no fool...

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot

Nov. 1st, 2007

Just a bit of an update here... Lately the things I've been doing have been centered around the Mer Sea, lots of projects which involve greasing, fixing, chipping rust, painting and welding, in no particular order. I enjoy the jobs which involve creativity in fabricating new parts especially, and of course putting the last coat of paint on something and standing back to look at how nice it looks, all gleaming nicely. We put a shore boat up in the old Stbd lifeboat davit. Now the cradle needs to be adjusted to fit it but it will w0rk nicely when done. The boat will be used to bring our crew and cargo ashore in places we are unable to tie the ship up to a wharf (like for example remote villages up a river in Central America or the Caribbean). Slowly the ship is really starting to come together and look really good. All the safety systems have been gone over, fire lockers organized, painted and everything logged properly so future crew does not have to wonder how something works or if we even have the parts to operate it. I feel very satisfied with the progress we have made. I have attended a local Vineyard church here which I really like but obviously it is not like home. I do miss my Winnipeg church and moreover my friends that were part of my life there. But that having been said, otherwise I like it here. The weather here has been cool for a week or so but has warmed up again this week. Shorts are still very comfortable. My car had been acting up for a while, problems related to overheating. After a new water pump, thermostat and of corse several hours under the hood with very black oily hands, I did get it back to where it seems to think it will run. Then on Sunday it didn't want to change gears, but oh well. I bought it some new transmission fluid and coaxed it a bit and then it offered me the use of the gears back. You don't want to drive too far in first gear only.

Mer Sea

What an incredible adventure this life is. Okay sometimes monotonous, but really pretty cool. Well as long as you are an adjustable adaptable person who can either follow a plan or have the plan thrown out from under him and still keep plugging along. This last month or so has seen me move to the US, sail a ship to no place in particular, and get thrown in the back of a police car. Oh yes, and I now write this on my second day off since arriving here. I arrived at Port Mercy in Lake Charles, Louisiana after a three day drive in my 32 year old Mercedes. The car ran ok for the most part although it likes to stall at times if you have recently stopped for fuel or something. Anyways I got here in the middle of a big push to get the Hope ready for a planned trip to the East Indies and Honduras, while the Mer Sea was also being prepared for a trip a couple weeks later to Nicaragua and Honduras. I was assigned as Bosun on the Mer Sea, which was great. We got the hope ready to sail, and when she left I drove a few miles to the Interstate 10 bridge which the Hope had to pass under on her way to the sea. I parked in a parking lot near the end of the bridge and walked about 2/3 of the way up the bridge which I figured was a great vantage point to photograph the ship as she passed. The problem is, apparently, you are not allowed to walk on Interstates or bridges on Interstates. So here I am, on the sidewalk, waiting for the ship to get closer, when three police cars fly up and flash on their lights and stop and the guys jump out and grab me, make me bend over the hood of their car while they frisk me and then make me get into the back of the first car. I'm glad I have a laid-back enough nature to see the humor in this, as I just laughed to myself rather than get worried. After driving me off the bridge and checking my ID's they explained the rules of Interstates to me. I guess they thought I was going to jump off or something, but then realized the truth when I told them my story and showed them my camara. I'm just glad it happened in the free-est country in the world. I'd hate to think what they might do to you in less free countries if they caught you walking on a sidewalk on a bridge! Lord Forbid! It was funny though the cop pointed and said "See, there is... well there was a sign there that said no trespassing." Oh well. Life goes on. So the Hope got about four days out and suffered serious damage to her main propulsion motor, a giant 65 year old DC electric motor which was irreperable at sea, and the decision was made that proceeding on the mission at that time would be unwise as they could only make 2-4 knots and instead they came about and made for Port Mercy. We at that point temporarily abandoned our plan for the upcoming Nicaragua trip to prepare the Mer Sea to head out and escort the Hope back to Port Mercy. We finished up a few projects and got her ready, heading out for "Sea Trials" which indeed they proved to be. Mer Sea had trouble with the computer that regulates the governor on the Ship Service generator, and since the other generator was apart for being rebuilt prior to the mission, we ended up anchoring for a few days while our engineers sussed that out, jury rigged a temporary solution and waited for the Hope to reach us. By the third day we had the Mer Sea power situation worked out and the Hope made it to within 40 miles of us when her main motor finally gave up, so we proceeded at out best (under the circumstances) speed to her position and took her under tow. We could only run our main motor at a fairly slow speed though due to a burned out fan that cools it, which we had also jury rigged while at anchor (every portable fan on the ship was comandeered for the main DC Motor). After getting back to the vicinity of the mouth of the river we anchored for another day and a half to better fix our jury rigs and then proceeded up the river, with the Hope in tow, at 2 knots. A mile or so in we were pushing less current and made better time, up to 4-5 knots the rest of the way home. So now we are back here at Port Mercy, with the reality that the Hope will not sail again for at least the next few months, and the Mer Sea needs a lot of TLC and will likely be our main ship for the next while. So all the planned outreaches have been postponed to next spring, probably to be carried out by the Mer Sea. So as far as I know now I will be here at Port Mercy until next spring when we sail, with the planned outreaches to Nicaragua, Honduras and Nevis Island. But as I said at the start of this, flexibility is key here as plans are subject to change until they are in the past tense. Oh, and my car broke down.

Port Mercy...

I'll just post a short note here to let everybody know I arrived at Port Mercy safe and well last night. My old car made the 1600 mile journey without any issues. Pretty good for a 30+ year old car! Today I got settled in a bit, stripped a couple radar units and welded some kleats for the Mer Sea's shore Launch. It's cool to be back doing this stuff. The Hope and Mer Sea should be sailing both in about a week, the Hope for Nevis Island in the East Indies, and the Mer Sea for the Mosquito Coast in northern Nicaragua, to respond to the devastation of the recent Hurricane Felix. It is then planned for both ships to head to Roatan Island in Honduras. I will post more when I know which ship I am on. It looks like it will be the Hope. Whichever I am on though it will be fine. Thank you all for your prayers and God Bless. Jacob

Funny, That...

"God is the God of the 11th hour..." I've heard that a lot lately. One friend added the other day, "God is the God of the 11th hour and 59th minute..." It is so true. As I go about the details of preparing to go down with Friendships, I have a tendency to want to start worrying about all these things... How can I afford this, will this sell in time, What about this, and that, etc. This morning though I went and sat down at Timmy's for a while and thought and prayed about things over a coffee. I like to do that. And I just really felt God's presence there. And you know, I just really had this sense that He wasn't worried about all those details. He knows my needs, before I even ask Him. And I have been asking. And I really believe that what I am doing and how I am going about it is in obedience to what I feel Him leading me in. And He is God. Jehova Jireh, God our provider. Even as I am here right now, thinking well I was supposed to be going today, well I just have this sense that a man makes his plans and the Lord determines His steps. Maybe there's a couple more things I need to do here before I go. Well a couple other than just cleaning up my apartment. I know That needs doing. I better get to it!

Friendships- Hurricane Felix

Well if you've read earlier episodes here you know I have been praying about going down again to serve with Friendships for quite a while now. The date is set, I head down there this Friday, Sept 14th. The plan that has been in effect is to sail Oct. 1st on the Hope, visiting St. Kitts and Nevis in the East Indies followed by Honduras and possibly Haiti. Now, with the recent destruction of Nicaragua as a result of Hurricane Felix, They are looking very seriously at heading there with the Mer Sea. I will post info on that as soon as I have any. Here is a quote I just brought from the Friendships website:

Report just in from one of the areas greatly affected by the recent Hurricane Felix:

"Our People Miskito Indians, including so many of my relatives died with horrible hurricane Felix category 5, hit directly to the Miskito Coast of Nicaragua 3 days ago. Now estimated about 3,000 died or disappeared. Entire villages disappeared, including their domestic animals, farms, domestic fruit trees, dead animals, human dead body everywhere. Almost 90% villages with nothing to sleep, nor food, nor clothing. Severe critical health risk."

Anyways I will be down there serving Friendships regardless of what we do or which ship and/or mission I am on. I want to ask everyone reading this to please pray for the people affected by this disaster and also pray for me as I go about final details in preparation to go. Please also pray for Friendships, in that all details would be smooth in preperation for these outreaches, that we would have the crew God appoints for both ships and the finances needed for fuel and whatever for the ships. My plan is to drive down on Friday, but if I am able to sell both my cars I will take the bus. Either way, I am just praying it would be God's will. If the door opens for me to be able to afford to keep one of the cars that would be an awesome blessing, But my prayer is for God's will to be workd out in this. I am happy to take the bus if need be. Please check out friendships website for more info on what we will be doing: http://www.friendships.org I would like prayer also for the finances I will need for this trip, as it is a 100% volunteer run ministry, we are each responsible to raise our own support costs for living and working on the ships. Thank you and God Bless!

Jacob

Faith

I love writing. I do not do it near often enough, but when I do it is so good to get my thoughts out on paper (Or a screen, I guess). I just finished an email to a good friend and writing down my situation really helped me to see it clearer. I'm still not sure what I will do, but I see it clearer now, and that is a good step. I was writing about how I have found God's provision for the things I have needed, and really the bottom line is that God is faithful. I may be in over my head, but I'm not in over His. I'm planning on going down to Louisiana next month, not for excitement, not for adventure, not to avoid the harsh Winnipeg winter, Not even to work on the ships. All those factors will be there, with their trials as well, but I am going because I believe the Lord has said "GO". I believe this is what I was made for. To walk in obedience to His Holy Spirit. I have enjoyed my life in Winnipeg, and there are people there whom I love very deeply. But I was created to hear God's voice, and follow Him. If He says, "It's time to serve again with Friendships in Louisiana", then it's with excitement that I go. I know it will be hard in some ways. I do not doubt that. There's people I will miss deeply, and those who will miss me. But I want to be, and I know I need to be in the centre of God's will for this season of my life. I don't know how this will work financially or logistically. I'll sell what I can or have to to cover what I can, but I know it's bigger than what my hands can provide. But I have learned that if God gives us a vision, He also gives us the provision. I have seen this true so many times in so many ways. Through jobs, through gifts from others, through money appearing in my bank account or even just finding it, God has provided. And so now, If He's saying go, and this soon, I can only look to Him to provide, and show me how to work out the details that I can work out.

Do Not Worry...

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. " "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:19-21, 25-27

Searching for New Horizons...

I wrote this a few days ago... Jesus and I were at the top of the mast, searching the Horizon. The wind was blowing gently in my face and though there were storms coming, He would be there with me through it. There was this immense sense of peace, and He said that He loved me. We were searching for new Horizons... I was at the helm, a big old ships wheel in my hands, The wind was blowing, and we were facing East, into the weather, and there was this look of peace on my face... The compass card was spinning, but slowly it was settling to a course. Of course, a compass card does not spin, it points to magnetic north, it is actually the ship which spins around the stable compass card as she changes headings... My dream, the foc'sle deck, the gleaming paint, the wind, the spray, the sunshine, the rugged beauty of islands we were passing to Starboard, and the absolutely immense sense of being right in the palm of God's hand... in that moment, on that deck, feeling more at peace than I can ever remember in my life. The name of the ship was Anastasis, greek for resurrection... Resurection of a dream? For as long as I can remember, people have shared words or pictures they felt the Lord gave them for me, and It always seems the central theme is me on a ship... sails, masts, binnacles, helms, the gentle wind... often there was a storm coming or going, but always this sence of peace. I am not surprised but rather encouraged by the fact that these visions have come from several different people over a period of months- perhaps the whole last year or so, plus my vivid dream, but also the dream in my heart... the one that never leaves... To worship the Lord, sailing the seas. Why do I doubt??? What Am I waiting for? This is what I was made for... In the dream that was the sense I had out there on deck... just the overwhelming sense this is what I was made for. I've known that for a long time I think but not recognized it... I got myself so busy trying to help those around me that I just ended up getting burned out; bitter and angry. I'm a sailor, I need to be at sea, but I am also a witness of the grace and the Lordship of Jesus Christ, called to be a minister of His gospel... Not a preacher perhaps but in there somewhere. I know the ships which I'm called to are not the Merchant Navy, but God's Navy. I guess it's all I've ever known in the maritime service sence, But that's where God led me in 1997, 2000, 2001, 2005, and now 2007 and I really believe He's calling me back to Him on the sea. To His service in His Navy!!! A state of the art spiritual battleship disguised as a 63 year old WWII cargo ship. But you know, as I weigh it all, here and now, I know there's nowhere I'd rather be... It will be hard, I know that. I will have to do things I won't want to do, I know that too, It will be hot with little relief, I will probably never be rolling in cash, but it will be good, because The Lord is my provider, Jehova- Jireh. The Lord is my shepherd. The Lord is my strength and my shield and my rear guard. I honestly have no idea how He will provide the finances I will need to get out of debt and go down there, But I believe He is the one who has planted this vision, this burning in my heart. And If the Lord gives the vision, He will also provide the provision. I know that. It's a part of who He is. What that will look like? I don't know, what's down the road, I don't know that either, but He is getting me back into the palm of His hand, and that excites me more than anything I know. There is no God like Jehova!!! 2026, Friday Aug 3rd 2007,

August

August... Hmm. Well that was fast. The summer here's great, but after August is September, when I'm supposed to be going down to Louisiana again to volunteer with Friendships http://www.friendships.org That's fine and exciting, In many ways I'm very much looking forward to it. In the practical sense, though, I'm not sure I'm ready. I feel as though I'm just taking off again, dropping everything, and going back to working on the ships, which basically would not be far from the truth... Except I don't feel I should do it that way. I need to plan this better, to finish this season well. Which has several factors, Relational, practical and financial. All of which are serious and important. Relational wise, I have a lot of very good friends here whom I love, some of whom depend on me in various ways. I don't want for a second to take that lightly or ever brush anyone off. Relating to those around us in a Godly and loving way is a central theme to Jesus' teaching and to my life. But having said that, the most important thing by far is to be listening to God's voice and obidient to do what He wants me to do, go where He wants me to go and be whom He is calling me to be. Looking back over my life I have always been a sort of nomad in a sense, close to those around me, but able to travel quickly and adapt to the situation and the needs around me. I have always joked that my home is wherever my car is parked, though often I have lived on ships also in various ports, ancorages or seas. I do adapt pretty quick and I love that life in many ways. In the practical sense, I have a lot of stuff I need to either get rid of, store or take with me. Since I don't really have any long range plan other than going back to volunteer on the ships, I'm not excited about storing stuff I won't be taking, but I'm also not excited to get rid of things I've spent the last however many years collecting so I can have a decent life ie. cars, microwave, tv, books, tools etc. etc. etc. The stuff really has cost a lot over the years and the cost wouldn't likely come close to being recovered. And then there's the financial end. I'm way in debt and I have no savings. I have a great job that I more or less enjoy, and a lot more seniority than I had before, so financially speaking quitting to go volunteer for no pay in another country sounds nuts. I guess some people have always thought I was sort of nuts, which is fine. My only real desire is to follow Christ with my whole heart, my life and all that I have. I have been in a lot of situations where I've felt God's direction to quit my job and go to sea or somewhere anyways, and He has always abundantly provided for my needs through a myriad of ways. I do not doubt His ability to provide. Nor do I doubt that the ways of God can seem foolishness to man. If it is His will for me to go back to Friendships or anywhere else, I know He will cover my needs. But I guess That is my basic hesitancy... Is God saying to do this, or am I bored with doing the same sorts of things day in and day out and just want to go back to the action and excitement of serving God in frontline missions on cool old cargo ships going to new places. I know that either decision will mean sacrifice, and both will have trials and joys. But I guess my biggest fear is not being who and where God wants me. But another fear is drifting into mediocrity, living for the sake of making money, spending it, making more, spending that etc. That life, has never brought me much joy. I like the things I've been able to buy, like anyone else, but it never satisfies. It's like a lyric to a song I wrote last year "Use me Lord, or take me out, for what else can I give but me." I mean that in the deepest way, I don't want to live just to support the Matrix, so to speak. I want to be the man God is calling me to be, or catch the next train out. I don't see much point in anything else. If that posting is in Winnipeg doing what I'm doing, then I want to stay, being obedient to God's will for my life, whatever that entails, and with whomever He leads me to be with. Bus driving, guitar playing or whatever. But if, for one more season, that is back on the sea, or wherever else, well then, I want to finish this season well, to the Glory of God and the blessing of everyone I know here, and then move on, as He leads me. Amen. I love your prayers. If anyone has any thoughts or a word they believe is from the Lord, please do not hesitate to email me or reply to this blog .

Nameless Girl

This is a song I wrote a few months ago about a girl I used to see working the streets early in the morning when I was delivering newspapers for the Free Press. I would guess she is about 13 or 14.

I see her in the morning as she's walking down my street, She's looking for someone to love her. Her long brown hair is beautifull, her smile shames the sun, And I can't help but thinking who would rob her. Of all she ever really held, her innocence and joy, The joy of being just a child... There's pain in her laughter now, there's fear in her smile, She's looking for someone who would use her. She thinks she needs a dollar, maybe two, maybe more, And somehow she thinks it can save her. Perhaps she owes somebody, or really craves a high, Or maybe it's really for her dinner. There's no way I will ever know, except just to trust her, The one thing that maybe I can give her. It's the one thing that maybe I can give her. It's the only thing... maybe I can give her.

I see her in the morning as she's walking down my street, She's looking for someone to love her. Her long brown hair is beautifull, her smile shames the sun, And I can't help but thinking who would rob her. Of all she ever really held, her innocence and joy, The joy of being just a child... There's pain in her laughter now, there's fear in her smile, As she waits for someone to use her. She thinks she needs a dollar, maybe two, maybe more, And somehow she thinks it can save her. Perhaps she owes somebody, or really craves a high, Or maybe it's really for her dinner. There's no way I will ever know, except just to love her, The one thing that maybe I can give her. For she could be my daughter, be my sister or my lover, But oh... she really needs a saviour. How, she's longing for a saviour. Oh, she wants someone to save her. Lord, she really needs a saviour. Oh my Lord, she's longing for a saviour...

I see her in the morning as she's walking down my street, She's looking for someone who would love her. Her long brown hair is beautifull, her smile shames the sun, And I can't help but thinking who would rob her? No I can't help but thinking who would rob her? I really can't help thinking... Who would rob her?

Copyright 2007, Jacob Blondahl

Just a post script on this one... A few days ago, in a field outside town, they found the body of a young girl said to be a prostitute who worked the area where I delivered my newspapers. I saw her picture in the paper. She was in fact 17. And she is no longer the "Nameless Girl" as I had titled the song. Her name was Fonessa Bruyere. But regardless of names and ages, I have to ask... How long will this go on? When will we as a people say enough is enough, and stand up to defend our children? HOW LONG??? May God have mercy on us all.

Return

"To the angel of the church in Ephesus write: These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands: I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from it's place. But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolatians, which I also hate. He who has an ear, Let him hear what the spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God." -Revelation 2:1-7 NIV

Rain

It's raining outside this morning. As I look out my window, I hear the tires shushing on the wet roads, hitting puddles. I think to myself it looks like Vancouver, except dirtyer. Now all the filth from months of sand trucks and salt is all bare. The ice is gone for the most part, and the garbage is left. Dirty streets, dirty windows, dirty everything. The rain is welcome, as it washes away the crud. It signifies to me that winter has lost her hold. She is dying and gone. Rain means new life. The grass will be green soon. The town will be alive again. I look forward to walking around at the forks, where the Assinaboine River pours into the Red River. I wonder if it will flood again this year? They say it wont, but then "They" have been wrong before. In fact I think that's what I will do this morning. I think I will go down to the Forks.

Anastasis: Resurection

I'm a sailor. I just know it. I feel it. I even sing it. This morning just before I woke up, I had a dream. I had been in an underground coal mine, forced into labour for some time, digging for some kind of treasure but under the watch of some oppressors. Then they went out for something and I and the few people I was with (I don't remember who they were) saw a crack of light and we knew we were near somewhere we could maybe get out. After some digging, and fear the mine might collapse, we got out, and then the scene changed. We were then on the Anastasis, which is a hospital ship run by Mercy Ships, a christian organization I used to volunteer with. The name Anastasis is Greek for Resurection. We were somewhere in or near Wales, UK. I was directly aft of the foc'sle and looking forward. The sun was shining bright and warm. We were underway, and the breeze was in my face as I faced forward. As I looked around the foc'sle deck (forward mooring and anchoring deck, foremost open deck on a ship) The paint was just glistening on everything, grey decks, white bulwarks, red firefighting hose station, black windlass, blue water tank vents, polished brass bell, It was all just so beautifull. As I stood there, facing forward, the breeze in my face, the warm sun, blue water, we were passing some rocky evergreen covered islands, I just remember thinking that I couldn't be happier. This was what I was made for. I'm a sailor. I need to be at Sea. The dream ended with that feeling as I think my alarm clock went off, but I sat there on the edge of my bed, eyes still groggy, with just that real joy in my heart that I had felt there on deck of that ship. I have a sense that the dream represents that I have been toiling away here, working for other people, but the chapter will be changing soon and a new season coming. I think the fact that I was on the Anastasis represents the resurrection of the dream that has been in my heart just about all my life to be at sea. God has put these desires in my heart, and I believe He wants to bless them. He has put many desires in my heart, and I know that they are there for a purpose, and He desires to bless His children.

"Do you love me?

I love God. Or at least I try to love God. Well I want to Love God. I Do Love Him. At the end of the day, I do love Him. I fall short of living for Him the way I want to, but at the end of the day I do love Him. Jesus asked Peter, "Simon son of John do you Love me?" (John 21:17) Peter replied "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you." I am here in my prayers a lot. "God you know that I love you... I want to love you more... I want to know you, I want to walk with you, I want to be with you. I need you..." I love being in worship... in fact there's probably nothing in this world I love more. So it frustrates me so much when I look at the mediocrity in my disciplines... It can be the smallest things. I hear god speak so clearly, so often. Even about little things... Weather or not I should go to Tim Hortons and buy a coffee. But why is it that if I can hear the God of Heaven speak to ME clearly... "Jacob, you don't need that coffee... I want to teach you to be more financially responsible. I will provide for your needs. Trust me." Why is it that if I can hear him say that, I decide that in reality it doesn't matter, it just costs $1.49 and I think I can afford it, and I want it, that I try to ignore God and get the coffee? Does coffee taste that good that it is worth forsaking the God of Heaven for one cupfull? Is it worth it for all the coffee in the World? NO!!!!! It's not. I know it's not. I try to justify what I want however I think I can justify it so I can go on doing what I want to. Why should I expect God to trust me to be faithfull as a shepherd of His sheep if He can't even trust me with $1.45? Even the person in Jesus' parable who was blasted as an unfaithfull servant at least still had the one coin he had been entrusted with. He'd made no interest on it but at least he had what he started with. He didn't have to explain to his boss that, "Well, it really was good coffee..." But before I get carried away with this, I'm not trying to condemn myself or anyone for drinking coffee. I'm just looking at my disciplines and I see a big discrepancy between where I see myself and where I want to be and where I feel God wants me to be. I'm addicted to pleasure. Nice cars, fast computers, eating out... And none of those in and of themselves are sinful. They only become sinful when God says no and I say "ahh, it'll be okay..." I was praying about buying a new computer the other day and I actually really felt God opened the door for it and spoke pretty clearly that I needed to go ahead and do that. And it was kind of funny because I am already in debt and my mind was saying no, don't do it, cant afford it... I said to God "Well is this the best use of my finances? What about all the poor people in Africa?" It was funny because I actually heard Him say "Yeah but you wouldn't give it to Africa anyways." Well, what can you say? He knows me. I'm all for missions and do give to missions, aid etc, but in truth I don't think I've ever given anything for anyone in Africa. I know the needs there are phenominal, but there has been other missions, people etc I've been connected with and have given to both at home and overseas. It's funny though. God does know us.

U Suk!!!

I really suk at fasting. Just thought I'd mention that.

Steering 090

On Monday night during a time of prayer and ministry, my friend shared with me another vision he had seen. As he had prayed for me earlier in the day, The Lord had shown him a picture of me standing on the roof of the church, behind the old wooden flagpole. I was facing East, and in my hands was a huge old wooden helm (Steering wheel on a ship) like the kind the old time sailing vessels had. The flagpole was like a mast, and I was steering the vessel (church building) in an Easterly direction. There was a strong wind in my face, and my facial expression was that of peace. When he shared this with me, he had another vision as well. He saw a compass binnacle (The large wood and brass structure that contains the magnetic compass on the more old fashioned type ships) The compass card was spinning around and around, but was slowing down and starting to settle on a course. He saw the card was reading a South Westerly direction, but had not yet settled and was still coming around slowly. I am still praying as to what these may represent. I know that a compass card should never spin, it should always point to the Magnetic North Pole. In fact it is the ship itself, that spins around the compass card, as the ship navigates, drifts or otherwise changes her heading. This is of course assuming that one of the Captain's children is not sitting there next to the binnacle playing with magnets (I wonder if any ships have ever been wrecked because of this...).

Becalmed...

"I see a very large sailing ship, like a three or four master... one that looks like it would carry a lot of people, but it has been becalmed..."The term becalmed is used regarding a sailing vessel when the wind dies away and she can no longer be carried along by her sails. My friend went on to say " But in the distance, I see clouds... Not too far off, a strong wind is coming. Not a storm, but a strong wind..." I knew in my heart the sailing ship represented me, and the coming wind represented the move of the Holy Spirit. My friends were praying for me, about the weight that I have been feeling regarding my debt, my low income, and just the restlessness I have had in my heart about so many areas of my life. I have been praying for direction, clarity, wisdom etc. regarding my desire to be out of debt, to have a family, and to be doing work that I love doing. Again God gave him a picture, and he said: "I see you standing in the chart room, you are pulling out various instruments and charts, but you are not sure which to use or which are the right ones for where you are at..." I was pretty floored. I don't think Vance knew that there was no job I could think of I would rather do than be the navigation officer on a ministry ship... But there was more to it than that, as this picture reflected where I am at right now in my life. I may not currently be on a literal ship, but the picture is one God knows I can see. I'm really not at the helm, steering the vessel where to go, nor am I in the engine room or hoisting sails to make it move. I am in the chart room. I have pulled many charts out, trying to decide where to go. What to do with this life God has given me. The opportunities are endless, as the world is round. But I am seeking God as to where He wants this ship to sail. Maybe I will get to be the navigation officer, But I want Him to be the captain. He can decide where this wild ride will go, and He can deal with the paperwork and the port authorities when we get there. I'll just do what He tells me to do and plot out the best course I can with the information, charts and instruments He gives me. There is a lot of freedom in not having to be the boss. Come Holy Spirit!!!

I still wish I was a pirate...

I'm tired. I'm still way in debt, and things keep piling up. The boys in blue keep mailing me photos of my car and thinking I should somehow pay them for this wonderful service. I just think that's so nice of them. (grin) Those are $167 a pop, but $50 more if paid late. Oh joy. And I have this old deisel car I bought as a project to convert to run on veggie oil, which I still want to do, but it broke down in Oct. I went out and got a new car and never had money to fix the old one so it sat on the street. To be on the street it needed insurance, so that has been paid. But not wanting to keep insuring it, I wanted to get it fixed so I could get it to someones place to park it for the winter. But not able to get it running, I didn't want to pay extra to get it towed to someones house and then later have it towed again to get it out. That seemed silly and expensive. So I had it towed to a shop finally a couple weeks ago. The guy tried hard but the cars needs were over his head so I again had it towed elsewhere. It is now sitting in a shop outside town (after a $70 tow bill) and they say it has absolutely no compression. That's bad for any engine, but especially a deisel, which runs on compression rather than spark like a gas engine does. Probably a split piston, they said though it could be completely blown rings or severly gouged cylinder liners. Either way, there is no option but to remove the head, and further inspect the engine. This will be at least $300 -$400, though there's little chance I will get away with any less than a totally rebuilt engine, which, short of a miracle, will cost far more. Oh joy, more bills. Not that I have much choice, really, the car is a classic Mercedes Benz in great cond (body anyways) which I got for next to nothing on ebay last summer. I think it's worth $8,000-$10,000 perhaps if It was running well (which it did before) but with a completely toasted engine that won't start, it's worth next to nothing. Maybe scrap value plus a bit. So I have to fix it. How I'll pay for it I really have no idea, as my credit is maxed and paycheques seem to always get gobbled up by the trolls that live in my bank account. I wish that was a joke. Anyways, yes, I accept the fact that I am way in debt. I am fully aware of that, but I keep asking "Is this how it is supposed to be? Are we not supposed to be in the world, yet not of the world?". Then why is the world choking me to death? I accept responsibility, because yes, I drove the car too fast and got the tickets. Yes, I bought the old car, and I know old cars can break down. But every time I try to get ahead, 4 things seem to jump out at me dragging me further behind. I don't want to live life like this. I don't want to be in debt. I buy things because I either need them, think I need them, or just want them. The want things are mostly just food, coffee and the occasional movie or something. The old car I bought so I could convert it to veggie oil, and have a really cool car that costs next to nothing to run. The new car I bought because the old one broke down and I need a reliable car for work. Actually I had bought an old toyota for $300 and fixed a few things on it including some windows, but before I could get it safetied to drive it some lovely neighborly* individual (*not the term I used at the time, that term cannot be repeated without my needing to repent) decided I obviously needed a bigger project to work on and proceeded to help me by smashing nearly every window out of the car, and even opening the door to smash the inside of the door panel off, all with a few giant grantite blocks of rubble. To say I wanted to hurt the individual would be an understatement. Anyways at that point, I fugured stuff this... Stuff this car, stuff this city, stuff everything, I no longer cared about debt or whatever and went out and bought a 2006 car with an alarm. I would have preffered a car with explosive countermeasures, but apparently they don't make them that way. So I settled for a Hyundai. Good car though. Now I question the wisdom of that, but it's going to be sort of hard to undo now. So now I have two cars (I gave the Toyota to a friend's school which has an automotive program) And I've been wanting to get a house because I am really way past being sick of the insanity of living in a church with a bunch of other people and no way to escape everything here, but the bank doesn't want to give me a mortgage when I'm so in debt with the car loan and my credit being maxed. So I find myself with my life so full of junk, mostly junk I don't even want, it has just been deemed necesary to carry on my life here, that I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to live like this. I hate living like this. I really don't want a house, or cars, or a job. I want to run away... I want to live on a sailboat with my wife and kids, and just spend three or four years cruising around the South Pacific, basking in the sun, swimming, fishing. But I don't have a sailboat, a wife or kids. Aaarrrggghhh!!!! I still wish I was a pirate. Jacob

Beauty from the Ashes

It's so easy to get so caught up in doing good works that you miss out on the bigger picture. I am the type of person who has spent so much of my life trying to help other people to have a better life that I hardly know what else to do. As a christian, I believe we are called to be a light in a progressively darker world. If I see someone in need, and I know I can help, I have always believed that generally, we need to do that. I have tried to live a life that reflects these values, and I believe for the most part I have been successful. What is success? In this context, I have generally thought that it would be to die to yourself, to your own desires, your own wants etc. But I have come to realize that is only the half of it. I have been a christian for longer than I could really say. I've been to more church services, been on more mission trips, given more financially, listened to more worship cd's, volunteered in more capacities in more ministries than anyone even myself could ever calculate. Heck, I even live in a church, and have for over three years. I'm not bragging, though, just making a point. I'm the sort of person who has really genuinely tried in many ways to give all I have to God and to his kingdom. I have tried to make my life a living sacrifice that would please God and help others to know Him. People have phoned me more times than I could ever count asking me to help them with this or that, give them a ride here or there, help them get out of this or that dangerous situation and I in general have almost always said yes. Sometimes when my phone rings I cringe and almost want to cry. In my head I'm like "NO! GOD HELP ME!" and then I answer the phone, "Hello? ...ummm, sure, okay...I'll be right over." I have counted this as making my life a living sacrafice to God and to His church. Which, well, it is. I have given money I don't have so many times that I'm now way in debt, And I do mean way. But I justify it by saying, "Well, I'm giving to God... He will help me to afford it." And I do believe He will, has and is. Saying all this though, What I'm getting at is that I do the stuff, but I've become so busy doing the stuff, that I no longer have time for God. So busy trying to be the church, that I've forgotten that the church, first and foremost is supposed to be the bride of Christ. We are called into a love relationship with God absolutely first and foremost, and everything else, no matter how important, is supposed to be a distant second. I have not lived that out well in a long long time. I have always gotten so much of my strength with which to live and operate, my passion for life and living and my hope excitement and energy from intimate time with God. From being in the word, from being in worship. But for so long now I have so deeply surrounded myself with the needs of others, that I no longer took time to read the word. I became so busy helping people even during our church services that I never got into worship. The needs of people around me became so heavy and I so desperatly wanted to help them. But As I immersed myself more and more into that, I found less and less that I was close to God anymore. As I have seen, often first hand, such horrible things happening around me, I carried that. As people shared stories with me of painfull situations they have been through, I carried that pain. As people have told me about being raped, being forced into things unimaginable to most of us, I carried that too. And My anger grew. And grew. I heard of kids I know having their innocence stolen from them, and I became even more angry. I so many times have asked God, How can you have allowed this to happen? I became angry at God. Very angry. Unable to reconcile the God I knew from the bible being so far from where I expected and wanted Him to be. I began to feel that God was not so much this awesome, loving father that I preached about, but rather a distant landlord. Sure He was out there somewhere, but where? Sure, the Bible says He loves us, but I thought I knew what love is, and God seemed to be so far from my ideals of a real loving Father that I came to decide that although I know on paper He does love us, His love is different than mine and I somehow had it better than He did. I was left in this cold miserable city of pain cleaning up His mess, trying to help His children, while He was off somewhere in some prosperity church being praised. Probably somewhere nicer and warmer than here, too. Yeah some God you turned out to be... That was what my faith became. I was out doing all the stuff, taking care of His kids, Trying until it took almost everything from me that I had, to help people... to save them. That was it, I wanted to save them. Jesus obviously couldn't, or worse, wouldn't, so I would. Angry, bitter, tired, in financial ruin, and now with a saviour complex thinking I could save them. What a life. But praise God for His grace, He still loved me. I could no longer say I still loved Him, though I really did want to, but He did love me. And He spoke... He showed me that I had lost my first love. I never took time to seek Him, to worship, and in reality I didn't want to anymore. I wanted to want to, but I didn't want to. I remember taking up my guitar trying to play some worship song, and only getting a few chords out. I couldn't worship someone I didn't even like. I just felt sick. In frustration, I put back the guitar and went off to do something else. I had lost all my love for Him. I still knew He was there, and I knew that without Him we were all stuffed, but what could I do? Out of all this suffering, God spoke to me and showed me that I needed to seek him. I needed to return to my first love. Sure I was doing great things, or trying anyways, but that wasn't what was foremost on his mind... He wanted me. I was supposed to be the bride of Christ, not a burned out social worker. I was called to be a worshipper, not someone who just got angry when he picked up a guitar. I was called to be in His Presence, in His throneroom... not the desert. But the desert was where I had resided for far too long. So now where am I? Well I'm working on it, but this time by His strength, and in listening for His voice. I connected with some friends here in Winnipeg who have started a prayer movement called the Sanctuary House of Prayer (I've known for over a year I was supposed to be there, but, well, I was too busy...) So now I am trying to reprioritise things, to be putting God first in everything. I'm trying to be in the word more but I still have a long way to go. I want to be a worshipper. And I know He's calling me to be. I so want to be in love with God again. But I have to let Him be God, and I have to let Him carry peoples pain, because I just can't. Maybe a bit and for a time but at the end of the day I just can't. I was at a conference in the states a couple weeks ago, and I just really felt God asking me to let go. I cried. I was so broken because of my love for those who have been so close to me, and my fear, my very real fear that they won't follow God, and that He won't protect them. But I'm not God. He doesn't do things my way. I have to accept that. We each have free will, for better or for worse, and I have to accept that, too. And I have to learn to trust Him, that He really does love those that He has given me to be a sheperd over, and that He will be faithfull to look over them and protect them, whatever that entails. I have to trust that He knows what is best. And I have to remember too, that He does feel the pain of rejection every time one of His kids whom He loves turns away. And that it does grieve Him deeply to see them hurt, every time any of them are hurt in any way. And as I stood their and cried, I think for the first time I began to feel some of that pain the way He feels it. Yes, He told me I wasn't Jesus, and I couldn't save people. I can help them, sometimes, but I'm not Jesus. I would die for them in an instant if I could, but well, He already did, and my death wouldn't buy much. Not now anyways. Jacob

I wish I was a pirate...

Meanderings of the mind... Yesterday I wrote an email to one of my very best friends. This post is based what I said in part of my email... I have been very torn lately. Such a big part of me wants to just not be here most of the time. There's so many things I'm longing for, a family being I suppose one of the biggest. There's a girl I know here who I know I really like, and I think she's on the same page but I just... I guess I'm afraid. There's so many questions I keep asking. I know I'm afraid. Hurt enough that I just don't want to go there, but then there she is again... Arrrggghhh!!! I wonder to myself, do I think I'm falling in love? I don't know. What even is love? Do I even want it? For a long time I've been trying to convince myself that that's there's no such thing... That it's just a crutch for lonely fools who can't face life on their own. In a lot of ways I'd like to believe this. It seems so much easier. I guess because every time I've ever thought I loved someone (like in a romantic way) It's ended up in me being crushed. I will not deny that in many ways it has been my fault. I have certainly foolishly stumbled into things that I should have had more wisdom about. But really... And I do mean this... much of the pain I have ever faced has come from the idea of me thinking I was in love with someone, and again and again having the whole thing pulled out from under me. I have so many times declared to myself and to God "I hate love!!!" Sad, and foolish. I sound like Grumpy Smurf. For a long period now I really haven't let myself too close to the idea of really being in love. Sure I've pondered it, I've tossed it up and thrown it down. I've considered it. I've recognised that I do believe I could be single and happy all my life. But is this the best? Is this God's will for me? It seems and feels like accepting defeat. If it is defeat, I want nothing to do with it. "But God, where are YOU in all this? What is your will?" He seems to be saying "just wait..." Alas, I don't know... I wish I was a pirate... Jacob

Getting Back- 10 years later

How do you get back to somewhere you've once been when all is now changed and that place no longer exists but in memories and hearts? I keep coming back to that question... When I was 20 I went out to spend some time volunteering on a little medical ship called the M/V Island Mercy. It was August 1997, and she was tied up in Newcastle, Australia, awaiting crew, cargo and whatever else was needed to head up into the Islands of Vanuatu (Formerly the New Hebrides) on outreach. There were at that time a little over 30 of us on board, though that number would swell as our sailing date approached. I felt God was calling me to be there and I guess I thought it would be an adventure but I don't think I ever anticipated how much that little ship and all we did with her would change my life. I'm 30 now, and I cant believe it's almost 10 years since that period of my life began. I now live about as far from the ocean as you can get, but when I stop, sit down and allow my mind to wander just a bit, I'm back in those islands, on that little ship, worrying about nothing more serious than terminating some rust, wondering if the engineers will ever fix the sink in my cabin, and weather I can afford one of those beautifull glass bottles of Coke they still sold in Honiara at that time. I miss that life. So often I'm back there, dreaming. I can still hear the voices of the islanders, singing accapela or with homemade drums, the roar of the surf, the hum of the old diesels, the heat in the engine room, the heat in my cabin, actually the heat everywhere. You couldn't escape the heat. I used to go stand in the walk in freezer in the galley sometimes to cool off, but the head cook, Jason Sanderson, wasn't too fond of me doing that if I remember. I guess that's why i'd like the coke so much, I could put it in the freezer for a half an hour or so and it would just start to get frosty inside, then you'd go out on deck in the hot tropical Solomon Islands sun, and there was nothing in the world nicer than that frosty bottle of Coca Cola in your hand. I don't know what it is that I miss the most about that life... weather it's the simplicity of everything, the adventure, the community we had on board (though sometimes we were at each other's throats, too.) I guess I'm just in love with that life... the life I once had. Now, you know, I'm working. Car payments, Visa bills, phone bills, trying to get a mortgage... you know. Trying to get a life in the world the way everyone else does. I like my job, for the most part. I drive a bus. I like driving. But I know I've been ruined for the ordinary. There's not a day it escapes me. It's -32c today, -42c with the windchill. yesterday was -48c. For Americans, I think that's about -60F. Cold however you look at it. Too cold. But despite my complaining I'm getting used to it and I guess I don't mind it. But in my mind I'm still in those Islands. I can't go back. I've tried. That place, it does not exist anymore. The ship is still around, as far as I know anyways. It was sold in 2001 and replaced with a little 102' motor yacht. I think she is now a training vessel in the Philipines. That was last I heard anyways. The new ship that replaced her is the Pacific Link, a great little ship. I spent most of a year on her when they got her, but she's not the same. The people that were part of our crew are now all over the world, from Scotland to New Zealand to Canada to wherever else. Some married, some with kids, some working. A few still in ministry with Marine Reach, though not many so far as I know. Even if they still had the ship, things would be so different now. People change. The world has changed. I've changed. I'm older. Maybe even wiser. I even found a few grey hairs on my head the other day. That made me laugh. But yeah. I've slowly come to accept it. That place that I love so much, It is gone. Not completely, though, because it is a part of me. It is a part of who I am and what I do. God Bless Jacob